Matthais the Critic- Top 5 Tortured Mute Immortals
It's me! Matthais The Critic! I review stuff because I want to!
Alright, so, you all remember Wile Coyote from the Looney Tunes, right? The poor foolish genius wh just can't catch that Road Runner? Well, this poor guy actually started a whole genre of animated comedy! A genre I like to call, "The Tortured Mute Immortal." I call it that because the character is tortured in ways not only a cruel but also defy the laws of physics, the character can't talk, and the ways he is tortured are so insane that the only way he could've possibly survived it is that he was immortal. Sure, the first and last parts could be chalked up to cartoon physics, but still.
There are more of these than you think, so I'm gonna count down the Top 5. So, sit back and get ready to feel some major sympathy, because these are the Top 5 Tortured Mute Immortals!
NUMBER 5: The Eggo Moocher
You probably don't remember who this guy is, so let me remind you. You see, the Eggo Moocher appeared in a series of hand drawn Eggo Waffle Commercials in 2009. He was a man who was always trying to steal his daughter's Eggo Waffles.
Wow. . .what a jerk. . .
I mean, come on! Just go to the store and buy another box!
But luckily for the girl, this guy always goes to pretty weird and extreme lengths that always backfire on him.
In the first commercial, the Moocher tries using a lasso to. . .wait. . .how do you lasso a flat plate of waffles? That makes no sense!
Anyway, it ends up going out the window and catching a passing truck, which sends the Moocher out the window when the rope gets caught on his leg.
In another commercial, he tries using a vacuum to suck the waffles into his mouth, but ends up sucking the dog into his face instead.
But my favorite has to be when he uses a jack to lift the counter up so that the waffles will slide towards him. But then the girl takes the waffles away, and a series of heavy objects slide into him instead. But get this, not only do kitchen appliances come down, apparently this family keeps bowling balls and an elephant on the kitchen counter as well! Man, that's gotta hurt. . .
The Eggo Moocher. . .he kinda deserves it, don't ya think?
Girl: "'Leggo my Eggo!"
NUMBER 4: Bernard the Polar Bear
This show is REALLY popular on YouTube.
This character is the star of the computer animated show "Bernard," which is produced by the Korean company RG Animation Studios. The episodes are each three minutes long, and are pretty much all slapstick. Very violent slapstick. Seriously, I really don't think kids should be watching this.
Anyway, one thing about Bernard is that it never really has an actual focus. Bernard can be in the arctic, in the woods, on a farm, in a gym, in the city, on island, the list goes on and on. Usually Bernard is trying to get something done or is going on some kind of adventure, and, of course, he always end up getting severely injured!
You know, unless Bernard is trying to do something normal, I can't really feel sorry for him. For example, during the episode where an elevator keeps closing on him, or when a treadmill keeps malfunction on him, I can pity him. But when he's trying to climb a mountain with his bare bear claws, or when he's skydiving but forgets his parachute, I just wanna smack him!
"BERNARD! You have eternal bad luck! You are cursed! Why are you putting yourself in dangerous situations! It is always going to end badly for you!"
I mean, doesn't he realize nothing goes his way? He doesn't have to go on adventures. He could easily just stick to a 9 to 5 job. Sure, the coffee machine would probably shoot 1000 degree coffee at him, but at least then he's trying to stay out of trouble! But these other times, he's just asking for it!
Bernard the Polar Bear. . .boy is he dumb. . .
Bernard: (Donkey noise as he falls through the air)
NUMBER 3: Scratt from the Ice Age movies
Oh my gosh, these people at Blue Sky are SICK!
I've never seen a character be tormented so much! I mean, oh my gosh, what the heck is this? What did this little saber toothed squirrel ever do to another living creature? All he wants is a acorn. Is that wrong in any way? NO! Oh, but everything seems to think it's funny to have him get kicked, stomped, crushed, stretched, and thrown off cliffs!
Sure, he almost had a girlfriend in the third movie, but noooooooo, he had to go back to chasing acorns instead! Why? I don't think it's funny. I think it's sad and annoying!
He actually dies and goes to Heaven in the second movie, but he actually gets pulled out and brought back to life by that stupid sloth!
And what has to be the worst of all is the end of the fourth movie. He slows up in Scrattlantis, where he finds more of his own kind and a fortune of acorns. . .and he sinks the entire place and somehow makes all of the squirrels disappear! That is just so. . . .arrgh! It's stupid!
And another thing, is the acorn cursed or something? I mean, whenever he tries to bury it, something explodes or the ground opens up or lightning strikes him! Why does he go back to that? Why doesn't he stay with his girlfriend? Urrr! It makes no sense! Can't he find something else to go after? In my opinion, this little fella is just a greedy moron who doesn't know his own good.
Scratt. . .he's a greedy slob.
Scratt: (Falls of a cliff) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
NUMBER 2: Wile E. Coyote from the Looney Tunes
You didn't think I could do this without mentioning him, did you?
As I said, this guy invented this genre. In fact, I'd say he perfected the art of falling off cliffs! Just as Team Rocket perfected Blasting Off!
When you hear that twinkling sound effect and see that sparkle in the sky, you think of Team Rocket.
When you hear that whistling sound followed by a low boom and see that circle of smoke at the bottom of a ravine or cliff, you immediately thin of Wile E. Coyote.
This guy is a riot. And what's more, you're actually rooting for him all the way! You understand that all he wants is meal or Road Runner, and you want him to catch the Road Runner so he can eat. This guy is a genius, able to come up with complicated plans which actually should work. However, the laws of physics are always defied so he can get hurt.
For instance, at one point he lowers a stick of dynamite to the Road Runner with a fishing pole. The fuse actually goes up the line, along his fur, and into the box of dynamite his tail is sticking in, and it blows him up. Another time, he pushes down a detonator for some dynamite, and the detonator explodes! Or how about this one: he paint a tunnel onto a wall so the Road Runner can run into it, and the Road Runner actually goes through the painted tunnel! The Coyote tries it, he just hits the wall, and then the Road Runner comes back out and tramples him!
This guy cannot win! But then again, some times he can be so smart that he looses his common sense. Often, when something heavy is about to crush him, he'll take out an umbrella instead of, oh, I don't know, running away? One funny scene is when he's trying to get a mass of rocks to fall out of his stuck trap by pocking it with a pole while standing right underneath it! As expected, it all falls on him. You really need some street smarts Wile E. Also, you should stay away from Acme Products, cause they clearly aren't working in your favor.
I should probably mention that he has gone after Bug Bunny a few time, BIG MISTAKE! He actually talks in those episodes, and he's apparently aware of his genius and is insanely egotistical about it. Also, there is also a similar looking character that goes after sheep. Basically the Coyote with a red nose, Ralph E. Wolf tries similar schemes to capture sheep, only to be constantly caught and beaten up by Sam the Sheep Dog.
Look you guys, if you can order all of these crazy things from Acme, why not just order food!? Where are you even getting all the money for this anyway?
In the new Looney Tunes show on Cartoon Network, they've made some new computer animated Road Runner and Coyote shorts, but they don't seem to capture the magic of the original. They're still good, but not as good as the ones in the past.
Wile E. Coyote. . .if you're so smart, why not try THINKING!?
Wile E.: (Holds up a sign that says "In Heavens name, what am I doing?" right before a pile of boulders crush him)
Now, how could I possibly top someone as classic and original as Wile. E Coyote? Well, just watch!
And the number 1 Tortured Mute Immortal is. . . .
Leon from Leon- Error of The Savannah
I - LOVE - THIS - CHARACTER!
I mean, this lion is awesome!
His show is made by Teletoon+, a Polish studio. Wow, Poland. Who knew?
Now, first off, let's start with the intro. The first thing you notice. . .the animation.
That CGI is gorgeous!!! The first thing you see is the beautiful African Savannah at sunset. There are a few clouds and the sky, and the orange sun tints the sky and land a golden orange color. You see a flock of birds flying through the air as a fast drum beat starts.
And then, enter Leon.
Now, this sounds more like an awesome adventure of an awesome lion. Unfortunately, the opening is lying to us. The Title Card reads "Leon," but the actual title will always be "Leon- Error of The Savannah." And, being an error, he can only fail in his attempts.
However, what makes him better than Wile E. Coyote and all of these others poor suckers is that Leon actually has an image to keep up. He's a mighty lion, he's supposed to be strong and awesome. He doesn't put himself in danger or create any crazy complex plans. All he wants to do is hunt, and he does it in a straightforward manner.
Also, Leon is a character who actually has a character. He has that signature cowlick, he has the personality of an actual lion, and he even has an actual friend in the red sparrow, and perhaps even the Gorilla too. He also has a love interest in the Lioness (Love Makes You Dumb unfortunately, because he's able to get her into the palm of his paw twice, but ends up totally screwing it up, which is sad because I think she genuinely likes him). He knows when he's bitten off more than he can chew and runs when danger arrives.
And unlike Scratt or Bernard, he actually has a legitimate reason for his actions. He's a lion, he has to hunt, end of story. And he's not obsessed with hunting. In fact, at the start of every 3 minute episode, he's sleeping on his rock, and only gets up if someone's bothering him or if prey is nearby. He's not a genius like Wile E., but he doesn't have to be a genius. In fact, he has something that Wile. E doesn't have: Street Smarts/Instincts/Gut Feeling/The Ability to Think On His Feet. Not that Leon is always just a one trick guy, he will occasionally try to put together an imaginative scheme, but nothing so crazy that there are a million and one ways it can backfire. . .there's causally only one or two ways for it to backfire.
But, at the same time, we're not constantly rooting for him to win like we do for the Coyote, and that's a good thing! We don't want to get angry when Leon messes up or feel the need to smack him. Since his prey (Springbok, Zebra, eggs, Ninja Meerkat?) are pretty much interesting and likable characters, so you want to see them again so Leon can have another go at them.
There are lots of reasons why the show as a whole is good, but I'll save that for another post. So, that's my Top 5! I hope you enjoyed it, and please check out this show! Each episode is only 3 minutes long! Surely you have time for that!
I'm Matthais The Critic! I review stuff because I want to!
No comments:
Post a Comment