Why I Hate Rankin Bass' "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"

There is an ulterior motive in my writing this review. Yes, I do enjoy reviewing things. Yes, I did do this to entertain you. However, deep down, my ulterior motive was to give you a glimpse into how I see the world through my own eyes. I figured that if I took a common denominator, i.e. this movie trilogy, and gave you what I feel and think about it, it would give you a little more insight into how my mind works when it is presented with certain things. Also, I figured it would show you a little more about my personality works, as well as the kind of unique sense of humor I have. Well, let us begin.

 

            I really do not like “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.” You're probably wondering how I could possibly dislike such a sweet, timeless, Christmas classic. Well, I can easily understand your shock. Hopefully, I will be able to explain myself. This is going to be long, so I hope you have plenty of time. I won't mince words, so I'll get right to into it. Why don't we start with what is so glaringly wrong with the characters first.

            Santa Claus

            First off, why is Santa so skinny? I find it really weird! Mrs. Claus lampshades it and encourages him to eat, but it still doesn't help. In fact, it makes it even more unsettling. Also, why is he such a mean, spiteful, jerk? He's always uptight, nervous, and angry in this movie. Is that why he's so skinny? Well, I'm sorry, but I don't care how nervous you are, you are no way, no how, going to burn off 7 billion plates of cookies! And it's not even funny! In the scene where the elves sing “We Are Santa's Elves” for the first time, look at Santa. He looks like he wants to kill somebody! The song wasn't even bad! The elves were just bumping into each other for some reason. But, oh my gosh, this Santa was just so mean! Rolling his eye and grumbling at a very nice, happy song dedicated to him, and he just storms off and slams the door in their faces (Mrs. Claus' slam doesn't count, she was hurrying after Santa). However, one of the most unsettling scenes has to be when Rudolph's false nose comes off and “all of the other reindeer” begin to “laugh and call him names. Not only does Santa not defend Rudolph, he says this:

“Donner, you ought to be ashamed of yourself! What a pity! He had a good take-off too!”

            This line really bothers me. A lot. Blame that on the fact that I over think things and have a scientific mind. The average person would interpret the line thusly:

“Donner, how could you embarrass your own son like this! Hiding his nose just to have it suddenly revealed all at once! It spoiled his great take-off!”

            However, I don't think this interpretation would be correct. If Santa really felt this was, then why does he just storm off and allow Rudolph to be bullied? He's Santa Claus, for goodness sake! Why is he letting his reindeer be naughty? He even let's Comet bully him for crying out loud! So, no, here are the two ways I interpret Santa's line:

a) “Donner, how could you have such messed up genes! Look at this mutant you produced! Who cares if he can fly well!”

b) “Donner, how could you choose a mate with such messed up genes! Look at this mutant you made with her! Who cares if he can fly well!”

            I know it's really morbid, but when Santa says Donner “should be ashamed,” I immediately think he's referring to having Rudolph, seeing as he doesn't even try to defend the poor child! This rendition of Santa Claus stinks! Put yourself on the naught list you heartless jerk!

            Donner

            This guy has a lot of nerve. When they first see Rudolph's nose, the mother says, “We'll just have to overlook it,” but this punk says in a disgusted tone, “How can you overlook that!?” Wow. . .his own son. . .one day old. . .and he's disgusted with him already. What – a – jerk. And then, we have that scene a few years later where he forces Rudolph to wear that torturous false nose. Thin of having to wear a close pin on your nose. . .every day! It's like they wanted to portray the abusive father trope in G-rated way. Sorry, but G-rated or not, it's still hard to watch! This is way too much. I mean, his own family doesn’t support him? You know, in real life, kids who are bullied in school and then get no support from their parents become part of a certain statistic. . .but I digress.

            Yes, I know that Sam the Snowman Narrator says that Donner “felt pretty bad about how he treated Rudolph,” but you know what? I doubt that very highly. After all, Sam's exact words were, “You can imagine that Donner felt,” who's to say how he really felt. Maybe he was going after Rudolph because, well, it's his son, he belongs to him!

            And another thing, I find the way his antlers keep drooping like the ears on a sad bunny really weird and wrong. Even more wrong than a glowing red nose, for crying out loud!

            Comet

            I hate this guy so much. I could punch this guy right in the face, I really could! What kind of adult joins the bullies? It wasn't even really necessary for the scene. Everyone else was already laughing at Rudolph, is it really necessary to have an adult be such a. . . there are no words to describe him! And he is never punished for it! Santa just allows it. Santa allows the reindeer he puts in charge of training the other young reindeer to be a horrible piece of trash! If a hunter ever spots a deer with a whistle around it's neck, NO MERCY! Also, Comet's supposed to be in the second row of deer from the front on Santa's sleigh team, right? Sure, Cupid's right next to him, so he could get caught in the crossfire. . .oh never mind.

            Fireball

            Okay, okay, okay. Here you got Fireball. A reindeer with a tuft of orange hair on his head. Why has no one ever bullied him? I mean, my gosh. I did the research, reindeer don't have tufts of orange hair on their heads! I mean, there were possibilities unexplored here. You could've had four misfits! Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, Hermie the dentist, Yukon Cornelius the prospector, and Fireball the orange headed reindeer. Fireball is a misfit! He's different from everyone else, just like Rudolph. They BOTH should have been bullied. What gives Fireball the right to laugh at Rudolph? Look in the mirror, you're a freak too!

            And another thing, Fireball is apparently Rudolph's first “friend.” He's the first buck Rudolph meets, and they start off on pretty friendly terms. They have a cute little victory-spar after Rudolph does his flying (Two males having a friendly “play-fight” is common in real life and fiction. It's been seen in many cartoons and Brian Jacques used it many times in his Redwall books). Fireball even helps Rudolph and Clarice get together. However, all this friendliness just makes it even worse when he betrays him as soon as the false nose falls off. And it's kind of weird how it happens. He explains, “Great balls of fire! (Hahaha, I see what you did there, let's all laugh at the Incredibly Lame Pun.) K-k-keep away from me!” Okay, so apparently he's scared. But wait, then he starts to bully and mock him! What the hay? Is this guy bipolar or something? It's like, he's not sure which emotion to go with, so he just randomly switches between them.

            And here's something else weird about him. When we first meet him, what's the first thing on his agenda? Girls. One of the first things he says to Rudolph is, “Let's show off in front of the does!” Okay, what's the word I'm looking for? Horny? Uh. . .Flirtatious? I mean, my gosh, this guy could give Pepe Le Pew a run for his money! I know that they're animals, so finding a mate would be high on their minds, but, come on, this is a fantasy Christmas special, not Nature on PBS!

            But wait, there's more! Just when you think this character couldn't get any more unpleasant, we have a scene that happens after Rudolph “grows up” and returns to the North Pole. Fireball looks up, sees Rudolph and says, “Hey, look! I thought you were gone for good!” You wanted him to die out there? Curse you, Fireball! You are a sick, sadistic psychopath!

            King Moonracer

            Now, this character is very cool, I have to admit. He's a huge, winged lion with a crown, a palace, his own private island, the works. However, there are three big problems with him.

1.      Why is a lion living in the North Pole? Lions live in Africa, where it's hot all year round. In the North Pole, its always freezing! Sure, this is a world with flying reindeer, but reindeer are native to cold climates. Lions are not! How does he survive? And what does he eat? Seals? Fish? Whales? If I were in charge here, I would've made him a polar bear with wings. That would have made a lot more sense!

2.      How does bringing misfit toys to an island in the middle of nowhere help them? At all? I mean, it's clear that the toys hate being stuck on the island. Sure, it beats the alternative (landfill, garbage dump, incinerator) but they still aren't happy. Moonracer hasn't done anything to help them find children who would play with them, yet he clearly states that only a child can make them happy. Well, why doesn't he just fly over and talk to Santa? Why does Rudolph and the gang have to relay the message? Moonracer flies over the whole Earth every night! Why can't he just stop at Santa's place! What is wrong with this guy? Moonracer, you can’t be this stupid! You just can't! You are the reason why this movie can't work! What are you, a moron!?

3.      His job. Just his job. Why is such a majestic, winged lion spending his time collecting defective toys? It's not like he's selling them like error stamps or anything. And it gets worse when you think about. If these toys are unwanted, then that means they were probably lying on the side of the road, in a dark alley, or inside a dumpster or garbage can. Now, imagine King Moonracer, in all his glory, coming down, and jumping into a dumpster. . .

            NO! It makes no sense! I'm sorry, but this movie just doesn't add up! “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” made more sense than this, and they just made stuff up out of thin air in that movie! This movie. . .I mean my gosh! It's just so, illogical and stupid!

            The Doll

            Okay, you're probably wondering what could possibly be wrong with this character. Well, that's the problem! There's nothing wrong with her! She's on the Island of Misfit Toys, but why is she a misfit? There is nothing wrong with her! She can eve say “how do you do!” Pretty good for a time when dolls didn't have computer chips in them! What makes her a misfit? She looks fine. Look, you could've done a lot of things to her, like, give her an eye that's always shut, or giant feet, or green hair. At least give us something to pity her for, cause I don't she anything!

            Clarice

            She was a sweet character, sure, but she didn't really serve much of a purpose. She tried to comfort Rudolph and sung a song for him, but then her father took her away, Rudolph got depressed again, and then Hermie showed up. You could've taken her scene and song out and skipped right to Hermie, and the story would not have changed at all.

            Well, she does get him to fly when she calls him cute, but it wasn't vital for him to show his ability before getting his false nose knocked off.

            And you know what, Hermie actually does a better job in cheering Rudolph up than Clarice does. The friend does a better job making the main character feel happy than the love interest does! You know what, that's all Clarice was; The Token Love Interest. And she's not even a very good one at that! All she does is call him cute, sing a song, get kidnapped, and kiss him. She's worse than Princess Peach! But don't get me wrong, love interest aren't always pathetic. Like Rose in Brian Jacques' Martin the Warrior. She actually helped Martin escape the villain's fortress. Also, her singing talent actually was useful in the heroes' quest. Also, in the Legend of Spyro trilogy, even though Spyro had to save Cynder twice, she still actually did something. She had dragon powers and expert fighting skills.             Clarice is just. . .there. She completely pointless to the plot. But wait, there's more! Just when you think she can't get any more pathetic, guess what she says after the Abominable Snow Monster knocks out Rudolph and is getting ready to eat them all:

            “Oh, why doesn't he get it over with!?”

            Oh, you gotta be kidding me! You're just gonna give up and die! Oh my gosh, this is like if Pikachu just walked up to Team Rocket's helicopter, jumped in, made his bed in a cage, and went to sleep. Clarice didn't have to be in this story. Rudolph never needed a love interest. The Monster kidnapped his parents, isn't that enough? Clarice is useless!

 

            Okay, well I've torn apart most of the characters atom by atom. Now it's time for me to do the same to the story as a whole.

            Story

            Okay, so the movie begins with scenes of a terrible blizzard. We then see newspapers with headlines raving about how terrible the snowstorm is. The final headline we see reads, “Snowstorm my postpone Christmas.”

            Oh my gosh, Atheists made this move.

            Christmas is a birthday! How do you postpone a birthday? What, if it snows hard enough it can create a time warp that changes the day a person was born on? No! Of course not! The only thing postponed here are Christmas presents! Materialism!

            Oh gosh, this is not good. Not even 5 minutes in and I'm already upset!

            Okay, so after that, we meet the narrator, because all Rankin/Bass Christmas movies have narrators. The narrator of this story is Sam the Snowman, voice by the great singer Rankin Bass. His voice is just perfect for singing Christmas songs. If he were still alive, I'd send him a sympathy card for having to be in this movie.

            After the credits and music montage, we have the scene with Rudolph's birth. We also get our first song from Santa. Apparently, they expect all of us to have seen “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” because if you haven't, you would have no idea why Santa is calling himself Kris Kringle. After his song, we get a strange scene. Donner puts mud on Rudolph's nose to hide it, but then the mother. . .eats the mud? Sure, there's a really obvious kissing sound as she does this, but how would a kiss cause all that mud to come off? Donner put a lot of mud on that nose. And what's more, she goes in for more with her tongue.

            Okay, then we get to see Hermie's first scene. First of all, we get that he's the misfit, but did you have to give him human ears? He's still an elf! Give him elf ears for goodness sake! He doesn't have to look different. Let his actions speak for themselves! And another thing, why a dentist of all things? It makes no sense. I mean, what joker thought this stuff up? Or did they just put names of random jobs in a hat and just pull one out? Sure, Hermie beat the monster by pulling out all his teeth, but we don't know that at the time, so it seems so random to us. I mean, what if they pulled “brain surgeon” out of the hat?

“And then, after Yukon drops a boulder on the monster's head, Hermie performs brain surgery on the snow monster to make him docile.” GENIUS! This is a work of genius! Ha-ha! After this, I'll write the scripts for Adventure Time and Regular Show!

            Speaking of the monster, we learn that the Abominable Snow Monster hates everything to do with Christmas. Uh, why? Aren't you gonna go into any detail about that? No?  Oh come on! You have to tell us why he hates Christmas, or he's not a very convincing villain. It's not even true, by the way! At the end, he gets a job putting up Christmas decorations!

            Okay, so after we have Donner training Rudolph, and Rudolph and Hermie being forced into doing things they wouldn't if they had their own free will- I'm sorry, but I cant get over how so “under the thumb” they are! Oh my gosh, I just realized what this is. . .this is a Twilight Zone Communist State! There are no salaries for work because everyone just shares everything in Communist fashion, as long as they conform like machines to everyone else.

            Alright, so now we get to hear Rudolph speak, and boy is it annoying! I know he's wearing the false nose, and that makes him talk kinda funny. Clarice even lampshades it, don't ask me how Fireball doesn't notice it. But you have to realize something. Just because something is supposed to annoy us does not mean we're supposed to enjoy being annoyed! We don't like being annoyed! We don't like it!

            Okay, so we have the scene with Fireball, the elf song, and then Clarice. Then the false nose comes off, and guess what? His voice is still annoying! It sounds like he's got a constant cold. He has a shinny nose, not a stuffy nose! Well, after the adults chase him away, Rudolph moans about being different than everyone else to Clarice. Oh, you mean like Fireball? The one with a tuft of red hair on his head? But I digress. Anyway, then we get Clarice's song, “There's Always Tomorrow,” which is absolutely no help! How does this song help Rudolph at all? So what if there's always tomorrow? You can't just sit back and hope for tomorrow. Nothing changes that way! You have to actually do something!

            Well, after that pointless song, Clarice's father comes along and says he doesn't want her daughter around a red nosed reindeer. You didn't even know what a red nosed reindeer looked like five seconds ago! And how about red headed reindeer? What do you think of them huh? But, I digress! Well, after they leave, we get to see Hermie and Rudolph become friends, and guess what? They actually decide to do something! Now depending on the version you're watching, you may either get the song “Fame and Fortune” or the song “We're a Couple of Misfits.” I like “Fame and Fortune” better, because why would you want to sing about how you're a social outcast and hated by the world. Also, in “We're a Couple of Misfits,” Hermie makes as snowman that looks like his elf boss and punches it in the face! Wow, that's kinda violent. Sure, Rudolph gets clubbed in the head by the monster, but that's done off screne so we don't see any physical violence. This quick punch in the face by Hermie is much more disturbing. Anyway, “Fame and Fortune” is much more hopeful and happy.

            So, we soon meet Yukon Cornelius, and then Sam Snowman sings “Silver and Gold” for us. This has got to be one of the only high points of the movie. You just can't beat the balladeer-like singing voice of Burl Ives.

            After a monster chase scene where we learn that giant monsters sink in water (wow, no kidding), we get the famous “Peanut Butter/Pea Soup” gag between Hermie and Yukon. I am deadly serious when I say that this is the only time during the whole entire movie that I laughed! This was the only enjoyable part in the entire movie, and that is just sad.

            So now, we arrive on the Island of Misfit Toys. The song is okay, I guess, even though the doll never explains why she is a misfit! Then our heroes meet King Dumpster Diver, who asks them to tell Santa to find homes for all the toys on the island. Of course they agree, and they spend the night. Not wanting to attract the snow monster to his friends with his nose, Rudolph goes off on his own on an ice patch. Okay, first of all, how does he steer the thing? What if it just floated off into the ocean? Well, yeah, that would help the movie to end faster, but still. And secondly, Rudolph can fly!

            Okay, so we have a montage of Rudolph growing up, nice pair of antlers by the way, and he gets why I feel is a much better voice. No longer nasally, yet still young, youthful, and innocent. After returning and finding his loved ones gone, he goes to save them from the monster. Wait. . . how did he know they were there? They might have been on the Island of Misfit Toys for all he knew? Well, Rudolph finds out one way or another, and rushes in to the rescue. Of course, he falls and gets clubbed in the head by an icicle. It must have been pretty bad if we couldn't see it. Even the narrator couldn't bear to see it! But you know, it should have been much worse. Ice is pretty hard. Hard enough to break bones, I'd say!

            Well, anyway, Sam points Yukon and Hermie in the right direction. Yukon knocks the monster out, Hermie removes the monster's teeth, and Yukon and his dogs go over the side of a cliff while hanging onto the monster. But we later learn that the monster was bouncy enough to break their fall, but Hermie and Rudolph both look down into the ravine. Why didn't they see that they bounced? We got to see down the ravine when they fell, you can see the bottom. Did they all go unconscious when they hit the bottom at first? They did not execute this right. They actually spoofed this scene in Chill Out Scooby Doo. When the hunter in that movie fell off the cliff, it was a snowy blur below him. We couldn't see him hit the ground, so we could assume he died. They shoul've made it blizzard like when Yukon fell, it would've made more sense. Maybe I'm belly aching, but this could've been done much better.

            We then have the scene where everyone is ashamed and admits they were wrong, even mean old Santa Jerk. After more elf singing, which Santa Jerk still doesn't like, the weather report comes in. Santa then announces that because of the snow, Christmas must be canceled.

            Alright! Atheists took over this movie! You cannot cancel Jesus' birthday! You can't cancel anyone's birthday! You could kill the person, but they were still born at some point, and thus, still have a birthday! He should've have said, “We must cancel the Christmas Eve ride,” or something. Cause you know what would happen if Santa didn't deliver presents? It would be just like the real world! You are not in charge of Christmas, Santa Claus! It does not depend on you! It's Christ-mas, not Claus-mas or Santa-mas! So sit down, eat something, and shut up!

            So, Rudolph uses his shinny nose to light the way through the storm and is declared a hero. Burl Ives sings “Holy Jolly Christmas” as they celebrating. This is the best songs in the movie, hands down. It's fun, it's happy, it's upbeat, Burl Ives is singing it, it's just great.

            So they go and pick up the misfit toys. But wait a minute, who in their right mind would want a train with square wheels? Shouldn't Santa fix them first before giving them out? If they aren't changed, then they'll still be misfits and wind up unwanted and back on the island all over again. Then again, it's not too much to suggest that some kid may want a polka dotted elephant or a charlie in the box or a cowboy who rides an ostrich, but who in their right mind would want a train with square wheels or a boat that always sinks? Epic fail, Santa, epic fail!

            Okay, so we end the movie with Burl Ives singing the titular song. I gotta admit, the movie version is much better than the radio version. It's much faster and more upbeat. It has a little bit more heart and spirit than the radio version, which is all slow and dragged out.

            So what's my final opinion on this particular movie? Well, let's review: We got a reindeer with a red glowing nose, a skinny Santa Claus who's a cruel jerk, a reindeer with a tuft of red hair on his head, a reindeer with droopy rubber antlers, an elf that has human ears and wants to be a dentist, and a flying lion who lives in the north Pole and spends every night of his existence dumpster diving for defective toys. . .

            This is crazy! In every sense of the word! Nothing about this movie makes sense! It is pure nonsense! The original book and song this movie was based on weren't bad because they just stopped at the red nosed reindeer, but this movie. . .this movie. . .I mean my gosh! Who wrote this? An insane asylum? I mean, it's incredible, it's absolutely incredible! Nearly every other scene of this movie is like a kick in the stomach! The characters behave arbitrarily; most of the characters are pointlessly cruel; there is a strong lack of any honor, dignity, or morality in these characters; and it's not funny! There was only one good joke throughout the entire movie! Just one! The rest of this movie is cruel, cruel, cruel! It's beyond depressing. This move can give you depression! And if it doesn't depress you, it enrages you to the point that you wanna jump in the TV and go on a rampage till everyone is begging for forgiveness. I don't care if it all gets resolved at the end, I don't enjoy watching someone getting bullied by peers, adults, and parents at the same time! This is one of the worst Christmas movies I have ever had to sit through! Is this even a Christmas movie at all? I hated it!

            Now, I probably could stop right here. . .but I won't. You see, all of the other Rudolph movies after this were really, really good! Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas and July was EPIC! So, I might talk about the sequels later on. Until then, all of you have a merry Christmas. God bless.